I Have Something To Declare

I have sat on dusty grounds looking puzzling out the brow of new worlds in afternoons that passed in silence. I have left behind wrinkles on stern faces that loved me and I knew to come here hoping for newness. I’m coming through the darkness, eyes squinting at the dash of light at the cave opening. I’m coming through again, dear reader!

KIM +14

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Not Quite Gone

In your testing my love, you have made me harder. I was the one on the floor, too drunk to walk to the toilet but not drunk enough to pass out into blackness, dialing all the numbers I knew you had when you did not answer my calls because I had missed one of your calls, you were punishing me, on the floor able to savour my humiliation, without the will to get up and stagger somehow, bruising lips on door frames, morning inspecting bumps on my forehead that I could not remember getting. You could do this to me once. You had that power over me once. I look back now to the lover I was, amazed.

I take longer to miss your calls now. When you get angry with me, refuse to take my calls, I forget for hours to try your number again. I’m reminded when I see others around me calling the people they love, I try to fool myself I’m dialing then to call you because I missed you but I have never been able to fool myself. I’m calling you then because I want to be able to come home in the evening and not until I sleep exist under a glare that is trying to burn holes through the back of my head, your hatred warming the back of my neck.

I still make you laugh but I wonder if sometimes, alone, on Saturday nights waiting for me to return from watching my favourite team, in the silences of our house without children, you ever remember how you used to make laugh too. I miss that, I’m staying away longer in memory of the laughs you used to scatter like rice confetti all over me in the little world we were building.

I swore once, you thought the Grant’s was making me talk too much, John Legend’s Ordinary People was surely one of the saddest songs (not for the reason you thought I was going to argue!), I never wanted to settle like the weary man in that song was. I meant it! Love should not be ordinary! I still believe that. I have lost many beliefs, my faith is a flag held up sometimes by a trembling hand aged from battering, but I still believe that. Loving you used to make me extraordinary, sad confession. It does not anymore. I want to steal back from time for you who you were.